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I have a question related to the dynamics of sharing money within a family. My brother is a single mother of two and is struggling financially. We grew up very working class so no one in my family is in a position to help him other than me. In short, we can afford and really want to help our brother and nephew. It’s disappointing to see them unable to do after-school programs and other fulfilling activities that my little brother can’t afford.
The problem is that my brother is very proud and might be insulted by the offer. I live in , so I’ll comment that I think we’re better than them (I try not to perpetuate it), but offering help could be taken. I’m afraid that Wrong way. How can I attend to their needs and help them without hurting our relationship?
You can start by telling your brother exactly what you said here — I want to talk to him about household finances, but I’m worried about how he’ll react. I’ve found that everyone becomes less defensive and creates a more open dynamic when you start with Honesty can leave you vulnerable.
Until then, rear holiday. “This season is a great time, but it’s also an intense and complicated one,” says Ellen Perry, founder of a financial advisory firm. “From a logistical point of view, we do not recommend bringing this out for family gatherings or other important moments.”
Instead, Perry suggests waiting until the post-vacation dust has settled. But I would like to do it in a way that is sensitive to your needs. Can we discuss it soon?
From there, follow your intentions, says Traci Williams, an Atlanta-based financial therapist.For example: “You are doing a great job as a father and I want to support you and your sons in the ways that are most valuable to you.” You can also say what you please do not want to — hurt his feelings, make him feel uncomfortable, step on his toes, or interfere in parenting decisions. Also, you need to make it clear that both you and your husband are on the same page about this (and, obviously, make sure you are beforehand).
Then suggest some things you can do and ask for his opinion. “Highlight your brother’s involvement in the process,” adds Williams. “I want him to play an active role” You can open a 529 account and use it for his nephew’s education expenses. You can give cash to your siblings (up to $16,000 is tax-free, but anything above is subject to gift tax). You can pay for certain expenses such as tutoring, camping, and medical bills.
Giving money to a family is inherently problematic because it can create a power imbalance.One way to check it is if it’s really giftThat is, no conditions, no grace, no slander. Many family members pay and expect something in return. Give a say in where the money goes or visit every Christmas. Conversely, the recipient may start demanding more of what you don’t want to offer.
Luckily, you can avoid these minefields by clearly showing when and how much you can contribute. If this is a one-time thing, just say: I may never be able to do this again, but I want to help you in any way I can. ”
You should also do your best to check your judgment at the door, adds Perry. or quit your job, and your parents will say, ‘Wait a minute. (for example, to pay for education or certain activities).
Finally, beyond financial support, it’s still important to do something to maintain or strengthen your relationship with your siblings. If you live nearby, take them out for breakfast once or twice a month. can do. If you live far away, you can visit and watch your kids on weekends to give your siblings a break from parenting (the ultimate gift).
Your brother and his children are lucky to have you. But the whole point of your generosity is that you are lucky. they —they obviously mean a lot to you. This relationship is a two-way street, and the more you communicate it, the better this conversation will be.
The Cut’s financial advice columnist Charlotte Cowles answers readers’ personal questions about personal finance.Email Your Money Conundrum mytwocents@nymag.com.